Halloween. That’s what I said when I met the band who did Push Th’ Little Daisies. It’s also the name of a spooky day, spookily approaching us in a spooky way. Spooky!
Here are 20 — far, far too many — horror-adjacent jokes for your spooky delectation. I know lots of stuff about horror. The best website to read about huge wooden figures being burned is Wickerpedia. While not as famous as his horror works, Using Brown Sauce In The Bedroom is also by H.P. Lovecraft. The most murderous rostrum is Hannibal Lectern. That kind of thing.
Before we are engulfed in ha-ha-harrowing, ho-ho-horrifying, guffaw-guffaw-gufawfully scary hilarious hideousness, some news. There Are No Silly Questions, the American edition of There’s No Such Thing As A Silly Question, has been named by Barnes & Noble as one of their Best Picture Books of 2025.
Please tell people I’m good! Then they can tell me I’m good!
1
"I used to work for a famous horror director, sculpting toilets out of wood."
"John Carpenter?"
"Yes, that was the job I did... for Mr Wes Craven."
2
I wanted to go to John McEnroe's Halloween party as Gary Oldman's character from the Harry Potter films, but John wouldn't let me.
3
After years and years of looking after a vampire in its non-human form, it is time for me to abdicate my responsibility and let someone else take over. I’m passing the bat on.
4
"When I went to a large but underwhelming metal festival I had horrifying visions of terrifying things to come."
"Portents of doom?"
"Yeah, and the thrash stages were rubbish too."
5
"The walls of this haunted house are coated in green stuff that I could — what’s the word? — point out is similar to algae or moss."
"Lichen?"
"Yes, that is what I could do, with this stuff in this haunted house, to algae or moss."
I was going to use public-domain images of horror archetypes but all the free libraries are full of AI nonsense now so I drew these. I sat in bed with a sketchbook, it was tragic.
6
"I got attacked by a werewolf while visiting a public school."
"Eton?"
"No, just attacked. At Harrow."
7
I saw my doppelganger once, near Lake Michigan."
"Eerie!"
“No, it was definitely Michigan."
8
Someone took all my memorabilia related to Frankenstein's assistant because they wanted it and thought they deserved it due to being so great. What an Igormaniac.
9
"My dog attacked a character from The Shining because he keeps pirating films."
"BitTorrents?"
"No, he clawed Dick Hallorann for selling DVDs out of a suitcase."
10
"The darkness is coming for me. The darkness, the darkness, the endless pit approaches. I shall be ready for it. I will be ready for the bottomless chasm. I am equipped with exactly what is required for the eternal void of blackness — not only that, but the equipment I have for the everlasting crevasse of night is very upmarket."
"Fancy abyss kit?"
"Yes please, I think I need a sit down, I'm getting a bit het up."
Something that is really heartbreaking is, if I was hooked up to a lie detector and asked if I could draw, I would say yes and it wouldn’t buzz, because I genuinely believe I can.
11
"I've been reading a horror periodical, and can't decide whether the scariest bit of a vampire is their sharp teeth or their pointy hearing organs."
"Fang or ear?"
"No, Scary Film Monthly."
12
“My testicles hurt a lot because I got them stuck in an elaborate trap like the ones in that film series.”
“Saw?”
“Yes, that is how my testicles feel since getting them stuck in an elaborate trap like the ones in the Home Alone film series.”
13
"As a witch, my cat has been acting strange ever since we moved near Dagenham."
"Barking?"
"Well no, it's still a cat, it's just acting strange."
14
Why did F.W. Murnau’s costumer fit a Star Wars droid with tanks filled with the gas they use in the Fast & Furious films?
He thought the director wanted NOS for R2.
15
I was fascinated by the animal-human hybrids, and attempted to learn more about them from their creator, but he was too grumpy, sullen and miserable to tell me anything. And that was my adventure on... The Island Of Dr Morose.
I’ve been kicking an idea around for ages for a book that I would illustrate as well as write, and it’s only now that I realise I must never pitch it because it would go so badly.
16
What do you call an Irish horror author who can’t stop fondling pushchairs?
Pram Stroker.
17
Who is the most disgusting horror author?
Mary Smelley
(alternative answers: Phlegm R. James, Edgar Allan Poo, Gaston Lepoo, Victor Poo-whoa, William Peter Splatty, R.L. Swine, H.G. Smells)
18
I asked a zombie, "What's your house like, and what’s the best bit of a roast dinner?"
He said, "Gravy."
I said, "I'm going to have to ask you to clarify."
19
“I wonder what state Stephen King’s primary home is in.”
“Maine.”
“Yes, I wonder what state Stephen King’s main home is in.”
20
“I once bought a famous horror author a curry.”
“Anne Rice?”
“No, a garlic naan and three onion bhajis were the accompaniments chosen by Shirley Jackson.”
Actually this one’s really good.